Two things struck me this week. One, I’m not angry enough. Two, you’re not good enough.

Top bloggers are forever calling out their audience, and I don’t see why you lot should get off lightly. So man up, knuckle down and get to grips with your own crushing inadequacy. You just bought yourself a can of whup-ass!

You don’t work hard enough

Feeling tired? Boo hoo. Stressful day? Wub wub wub. Entire family killed in air crash? Talk to the hand. You managed to whip up a recipe for under-achievement with just one ingredient: your own overriding laziness.

Those ten-hour days you’re so proud of? Newsflash: the other guy’s been putting them in too. And getting back on the horse in the evening for another ten hours. And pulling down another ten before breakfast.

That’s what it takes to get to the top of the heap. So ask yourself a question. Where do you want to be in five years’ time? And if the answer’s ‘having a nice sit down, drinking tea’, you need take a look at yourself. A long, hard look.

You’re doing social media wrong

Earth to Twitter user, hello? Is this a broadcast medium? Did I show interest in your dull-as-ditchwater product launch? You’re not placing an ad in the Sleepytown Chronicle, Grandad. Join the conversation!

Oh, I know the tale. You sell haemorrhoid cream, and no-one wants to admit they even know your brand, let alone ‘like’ it on Facebook. It’s time you woke up to the new marketing reality. Forge relationships, create two-way dialogue and engage your audience – before your competitors do!

Oh, and please stop spamming hashtags and retweeting yourself. You’re ruining Twitter for the rest of us. The ones who get it.

Your website’s rubbish

It may have taken you months and months of careful deliberation and painstaking work, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna convert jack.

Your landing page sucks. Make it longer. Then test it rigorously. Then make it shorter. Then read 500 sure-fire ways to turbocharge your conversion rate. Then test again. If you want to make money while you sleep, you’d better start worrying while you’re awake.

I guess you’re wondering why no-one cares about your blog? Why you don’t get any comments? I know, I know. It’s hard to get your head round. Let me make it as simple and clear as I can. No-one reads or comments your blog because it’s so completely rubbish. Feel better?

It’s time to wake up and smell the content. And by ‘content’, I mean something remotely original and informative, not your derivative, candy-assed mumbling about some product or service. Why don’t you set yourself 101 blogging goals to achieve?

One last thing. Did someone not get the memo about list posts? Pantywaist!

You’re too negative

Yes, you are. You’re always moaning, making lame excuses for your own lameitude. ‘I got fired.’ ‘My wife left me for my secretary.’ ‘All my limbs were amputated by mistake.’

Guess what? I. Don’t. Care. If you’re not being positive, each and every day, you’re bringing negative energy into my life. And I don’t tolerate that.

You haven’t got enough money

I don’t care if you have somewhere to live, enough to eat and adequate leisure time. If you’re reading this post, you clearly don’t have enough money.

As a serial loser, I guess you think that your pathetic earning capacity is down to ‘the economy’, rather than your own weakness.

Well, let me ask you this. Who created the recession? The government? The banks? People who were already rich driving up asset values through property speculation, supported by irresponsible lending?

Wrong. It was you. Now get out of my face and achieve something!

• Thanks to Andy Nattan (@Mr603) for the links.

Tags: blogging, conversions, Twitter