7am. I wake up, turn on my mobile and check in at Twitter for my daily dose of inspirational quotes, motivational thoughts and self-improvement wisdom. Very soon I’m feeling supercharged for another day of relentless material wealth-seeking, with a kooky New Age veneer. Sometimes I wish I could just sit down for a while, but no-one on Twitter seems to take it easy…

9am. I notice that, as usual, I’ve received a number of friendly direct messages from people I followed yesterday. They arrive so quickly that I sometimes wonder if the people have some sort of servant to do their Tweeting for them. Nevertheless, I dutifully reply to each one, saying that I’m looking forward to their Tweets too. Social media’s all about reciprocity!

10am. In summer, the sun comes round the house next door and shines on my monitor, so I close the blind. Sometimes the noise of the birds singing gets on my nerves too, but my double-glazing keeps it out.

11am. This is the time when I catch up with all the blog posts and articles I’ve been told to read. And there’s so much great content out there! Sometimes I’m not sure if I need to read another ‘how to’ guide for social media, but I plough on anyway. You never know, there might be something new in one of them today.

12pm. I grab some lunch. Normally, my choice is prompted by an image someone else has uploaded of what they’re eating. It saves me thinking for myself. If I can’t get hold of it – for instance, because they’re eating in an achingly trendy Soho noodle bar – I just munch a slice of bread while staring at the image on the screen. It’s just as satisfying.

1pm. The afternoon hours are my time for making money online. What? You didn’t know it was possible? Well, it is. Just go to Twitter and you’ll soon see. I’ve already signed up for hundreds of MLM schemes, affiliate marketing programmes and wealth-generation systems, and I’ve bought so many e-books I’m going to need TWO iPads, one for each eye. And I’m pretty sure that once all these systems start kicking in, I’m going to be seriously rich.

4pm. A quick trip to the shops for bread, milk and Optrex, during which I make sure to Tweet my location. I’ve been burgled three times this year, but it’s a small price to pay for everyone knowing where I am.

5pm. Time to RT a few good Tweets and answer some questions people have posted, like you’re supposed to on social media. Got to take care of your circle! Sometimes, friends call round for me about this time, but most of them have got fed up with me Tweeting on my phone during conversations, so they don’t bother.

9pm. Towards the middle of the evening, I can get a bit down in the dumps. Sometimes it just seems like everyone else on Twitter is wealthier, wittier, more interesting, more passionate about their work and more… well, social than I’ll ever be. Maybe if I had a few more followers, things would be better? But there’s no room for doubt or anxiety on Twitter – it’s just smiles and positivity all the way. So I force a 🙂 , Tweet ‘goodnight’ to my Tweeples and get some sleep. Tomorrow’s going to be another long day…

Tags: Twitter